Due to the fact that teachers are so grossly overpaid in our society, many educators feel the need to take on a second job to fill the countless hours of empty time that we find ourselves with once the bell rings and the children go home. Wouldn't that be a perfect world? Aside from the endless hours and duties I have taken on with my chosen profession, I tutor kids in my "spare" time. I actually quite enjoy this extra job, as it allows me to work with much older kids and a higher level of math. What can I say, I am a total math geek!
The 12-year-old girl I work with also happens to be a competitive, state-ranked gymnast. On top of being a straight A student, she trains a minimum of 5 hours per day in the gym. Due to a schedule that I think most adults would have a hard time juggling, she doesn't have much time to indulge in all of the things that the average 12-year-old girl would. That being said, she has always presented herself as a very innocent girl. Not into boys yet, doesn't like makeup or girlie things, likes Disney channel, etc.
This last Sunday, I was working with her on solving equations for a given variable. Once we finished our work, I hopped in the "Mom Mini-Van" with her, her mother (who also happens to be a close friend), and another close friend. We took her to gym and the three of us commenced in what is typically/stereotypically referred to as the "Girls' Day Out." Lunch, pedicures, make-up, bookstore, shoe shopping, and so on. These are things that I usually never get to do, so I was taking full advantage of the day. If you are lucky enough to catch the three of us together, we are quite a sight to behold. We frequently command the attention of the various strangers that are unfortunate/fortunate enough to be in our presence. I would say we are worse than frat boys who have recently joined the navy and have no respect for their mothers. The sad thing is, that I am really not exaggerating.
After many hours of goofing off and laughing so hard that we frequently found ourselves causing a very large scene wherever we happened to be, we went to pick her daughter up from practice. We were all quite hungry from the activities of the day, so we decided to stop for dinner. We continued to have a good time, but cleaning it up enough for 12-year-old ears. However, it was at this moment that the 12-year-old decided to step up to the likes of our ranks. She asked if she could tell me a joke. This very innocent girl of 12 told me the following little witticism...
Say the word 'addicted' after everything I say...
Food... addicted
Chocolate... addicted
Alcohol... addicted
Shoes... addicted
Shopping... addicted
Gambling... addicted
What hit you in the head last night?
I couldn't even utter the word "addicted" as I was struggling to catch my breath from the absolute hysterics that I was thrown into. Her mother gasped, screamed, and asked her, "Do you even know what that means!" My other friend just screamed in general and joined me in the labored exasperation of the battle between oxygen and laughter. All of a sudden, this young (and I will remind you... "innocent") girl became quite embarrassed of our outbursts and proclaimed that she would never be seen with us in public again.
Just on a total side note... we were at Macaroni Grill where the tables are covered with paper so you can draw on them with crayons. I know you can only imagine what our tablescape looked like as we left the restaurant. :)
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
People Watching
I recently found myself in a Starbucks drive-thru. In all honesty, this is an event that really happens a couple times a week. I have a problem, I will admit it. However, I had a wonderfully memorable moment one Sunday morning. I happen to be picking up my usual iced vanilla latte on the way to do laundry. Sunday obviously happens to be "Starbucks Day" as the line was quite long and slow. I didn't mind so much, because at the time I was recovering from the flu and was sufficiently drugged up with Theraflu. Nothing much was going to bother me that day.
As I sat in my car listening to an acoustic version of an Eric Clapton song on the radio, I began scanning the nearby patio to engage in the most amusing past time of people watching. I spied two gentlemen enjoying their overpriced drinks in the beautifully adorned cups that I frequently find in the back of my car. One of the men was about in his 30's and resembled a lumberjack, minus the stereotypical red plaid and huge ax. The other man was somewhere in his 50's and appeared to be very collegiate in nature. He was simply dressed in cargo shorts and a plaid shirt. He donned a pair of rectangular tortoise shell glasses that perhaps gave him the professor vibe. As is quite apparent at this time, I had been sitting there for a while.
I was intrigued by the older man who seemed to do most of the talking, and I tried to deduce what their topic of conversation could be. While I was being dutifully attentive to something that was clearly none of my business, I happened to catch something on the back of the balding head of the elder gentleman. As he turned his head, the sunlight caught a glint of two glittery pieces on his head right behind his left ear. Now, it is not uncommon for a man to carry a fleck of glitter on his person from time to time as a result of hugging a female who may have been overly glittery that day. My mind went no such place.
I began to imagine that this man happened to be a cross-dressing performer. I had a brilliant fantasy about how he had a performance the previous evening. Images of big wigs, elaborate drag costumes, and the most fantastic make-up to ever be applied raced through my head. I concluded that the glitter that was so strongly adhered to this man's skull MUST have been from his extravagant ensemble that he wore for the part of his life that was hidden from the public eyes of a coffee house. As I was reveling in my own amusement (and still waiting to inch closer to my much needed caffeine), I began to think I needed more rest and to lay off the Tylenol-based flu remedies.
Suddenly, the brake lights of the few cars in front of me went off indicating a progression through the line of loyal corporate coffee drones. Before I began to move up, I took one last look at the inspiration for the brief vacation I took into my wild imagination. It was at this time that I saw it. The best validation for my innate ridiculousness I could ever receive. When the older fellow went to lift his cup to take a sip, his left hand came into my very clear view. As did the EXTREMELY hot pink nail polish that he was wearing. I had that kind of smile that only comes from deep inside your belly as I drove off with my watered-down latte.
As I sat in my car listening to an acoustic version of an Eric Clapton song on the radio, I began scanning the nearby patio to engage in the most amusing past time of people watching. I spied two gentlemen enjoying their overpriced drinks in the beautifully adorned cups that I frequently find in the back of my car. One of the men was about in his 30's and resembled a lumberjack, minus the stereotypical red plaid and huge ax. The other man was somewhere in his 50's and appeared to be very collegiate in nature. He was simply dressed in cargo shorts and a plaid shirt. He donned a pair of rectangular tortoise shell glasses that perhaps gave him the professor vibe. As is quite apparent at this time, I had been sitting there for a while.
I was intrigued by the older man who seemed to do most of the talking, and I tried to deduce what their topic of conversation could be. While I was being dutifully attentive to something that was clearly none of my business, I happened to catch something on the back of the balding head of the elder gentleman. As he turned his head, the sunlight caught a glint of two glittery pieces on his head right behind his left ear. Now, it is not uncommon for a man to carry a fleck of glitter on his person from time to time as a result of hugging a female who may have been overly glittery that day. My mind went no such place.
I began to imagine that this man happened to be a cross-dressing performer. I had a brilliant fantasy about how he had a performance the previous evening. Images of big wigs, elaborate drag costumes, and the most fantastic make-up to ever be applied raced through my head. I concluded that the glitter that was so strongly adhered to this man's skull MUST have been from his extravagant ensemble that he wore for the part of his life that was hidden from the public eyes of a coffee house. As I was reveling in my own amusement (and still waiting to inch closer to my much needed caffeine), I began to think I needed more rest and to lay off the Tylenol-based flu remedies.
Suddenly, the brake lights of the few cars in front of me went off indicating a progression through the line of loyal corporate coffee drones. Before I began to move up, I took one last look at the inspiration for the brief vacation I took into my wild imagination. It was at this time that I saw it. The best validation for my innate ridiculousness I could ever receive. When the older fellow went to lift his cup to take a sip, his left hand came into my very clear view. As did the EXTREMELY hot pink nail polish that he was wearing. I had that kind of smile that only comes from deep inside your belly as I drove off with my watered-down latte.
The Party Girl
I have a few students in my class who speak English as a second language. Some of these kids can appear very shy since they don't always feel comfortable enough with English to frequently speak with others. As we have progressed through the year, these students have opened up, because they become more comfortable and accustomed to me, their classmates, and the routine. I have one such student who walked directly to me as she entered our class this morning. She handed me a stack of papers and said, "Ms. E, I wrote you a story!" This was not an assigned project or something we had discussed in the past, so I was quite surprised and impressed with her assertive action and willingness to share such an unprovoked accomplishment. A few of us really enjoyed this story as we read it and were feared at first that she was talking about me; luckily, she wasn't :) I did do some slight editing with spelling and punctuation as all teachers tend to do for readability. Enjoy...
The Party Girl
Once upon a time, there was a girl. Her name was Party Girl.
One day, Party Girl asked her Mom and Dad, "Mom, Dad, why is my name Party Girl?"
Her Mom said, "Because you love to party."
"I do," she said, "Yes!"
Then her mom said, " Time to go to bed."
"OK, good night, " said Party Girl.
The next morning when Party Girl woke up, she said to herself, "Do I have to go to school?"
Well, she got ready. "I was bored when I got to school," she said. Everybody was making fun of me because my name was Party Girl. I ran to my locker and started crying. After that I said it was time to go home. I went home.
She thought about it then. From now on, she made parties everyday.
On that Monday, the principal called her mom and he said, "Party Girl hasn't been to school since the first day of school and that was 6 months ago."
"Well," her mother said, "I haven't seen her either. Don't worry," she said, " I'll find out at 10:45 at night."
Party Girl had just arrived from the party. Her mom was spying on the door the whole time. Soon, Party Girl entered the door. "I knew it!" Party Girl said.
"You knew what?" her mom said. "Why haven't you been to school or home?"
"I've been at parties," Party Girl said.
"You are grounded for 7 months!" her mom said.
"Nooooooooooooooooooo!" Party Girl said.
The past few years, Party Girl thought about it a long time. Her parents were just kidding along and her real name was Alice!
Lesson to be learned?
You can party for 6 months before the principal will call your parents!
The Party Girl
Once upon a time, there was a girl. Her name was Party Girl.
One day, Party Girl asked her Mom and Dad, "Mom, Dad, why is my name Party Girl?"
Her Mom said, "Because you love to party."
"I do," she said, "Yes!"
Then her mom said, " Time to go to bed."
"OK, good night, " said Party Girl.
The next morning when Party Girl woke up, she said to herself, "Do I have to go to school?"
Well, she got ready. "I was bored when I got to school," she said. Everybody was making fun of me because my name was Party Girl. I ran to my locker and started crying. After that I said it was time to go home. I went home.
She thought about it then. From now on, she made parties everyday.
On that Monday, the principal called her mom and he said, "Party Girl hasn't been to school since the first day of school and that was 6 months ago."
"Well," her mother said, "I haven't seen her either. Don't worry," she said, " I'll find out at 10:45 at night."
Party Girl had just arrived from the party. Her mom was spying on the door the whole time. Soon, Party Girl entered the door. "I knew it!" Party Girl said.
"You knew what?" her mom said. "Why haven't you been to school or home?"
"I've been at parties," Party Girl said.
"You are grounded for 7 months!" her mom said.
"Nooooooooooooooooooo!" Party Girl said.
The past few years, Party Girl thought about it a long time. Her parents were just kidding along and her real name was Alice!
Lesson to be learned?
You can party for 6 months before the principal will call your parents!
Who's your banana?
In order to cover all of the genres of literature with my students, I have them do monthly book reports. They are very amusing projects as they are not just your standard written format from the good old days when I was in grade school. The project for February was to read a biography. The assignment was to take a plastic banana and decorate it to resemble the iconic figure they chose to read about. The bananas are absolutely hysterical, but some of the facts that my students chose to include in the written portion of their project are pure gold. These are some of the more amusing ones I was able to extract from their writings. I always find it quite fascinating what my students interpret as an "important fact."
Martin Luther King Jr.: “While attending B.U., Martin Luther King met his future wife, Coretta Scott. They often had lunch together.”
John Elway: “But to date, his biggest accomplishment is when he got a family. That’s what people say. Do you think that?”
Henando Cortés: “Mexico does not have a statue of Cortés. But they have his remains.”
Helen Keller: “One of her accomplishments was being able to be blind and deaf at the same time.”
Thomas Edison: “I think Thomas Edison is important because if he didn’t invent the light bulb we could not see in the dark.”
Ivan the Terrible: “If he had not killed so many people, there would probably be millions more people in Russia now.”
Stan Lee: “He got married in 1970, but currently he is enjoying life.”
Lesson to be learned?
Now I know why Spiderman stayed single!
Martin Luther King Jr.: “While attending B.U., Martin Luther King met his future wife, Coretta Scott. They often had lunch together.”
John Elway: “But to date, his biggest accomplishment is when he got a family. That’s what people say. Do you think that?”
Henando Cortés: “Mexico does not have a statue of Cortés. But they have his remains.”
Helen Keller: “One of her accomplishments was being able to be blind and deaf at the same time.”
Thomas Edison: “I think Thomas Edison is important because if he didn’t invent the light bulb we could not see in the dark.”
Ivan the Terrible: “If he had not killed so many people, there would probably be millions more people in Russia now.”
Stan Lee: “He got married in 1970, but currently he is enjoying life.”
Lesson to be learned?
Now I know why Spiderman stayed single!
Rosa Parks did it, so can you!
This could very well be a moment that is quite often referred to as "you had to be there" in order to fully appreciate the humor in it, but a coworker and I were in hysterics for a while, so here goes...
I have a telephone in my classroom that is on silent during the day, but that I can use to make outgoing calls or receive calls from elsewhere in the school. The students are only allowed to use these phones in the case of an emergency, i.e. they don't know how they are supposed to get home.
Yesterday, I was working one on one with a student on a writing assignment. This boy looks and acts what I imagine Dennis the Menace would in real life. In addition, he hates to write and frequently dons a face of constipation whenever he is asked to produce an essay or story. As we were working, the front office called to request that the student I was working with come up to get a bus pass. He looked clearly confused as this was something he had never done before. As it turns out, his mother called to notify our office that he was to begin taking the bus from here on out. She had not yet discussed this with her son.
Upon his return, I had already begun working with other students, and he waited patiently (which was a surprise) at my desk for his turn to speak with me. When I finished with the other kids, he told me he needed to use the phone and did so with urgency. I reminded him that the phone was only to be used in an emergency then proceeded to ask him the purpose for this imperative phone call to his mom.
He simply replied, "I need to call my mom to complain. I don't wanna take the bus!"
Lesson to be learned?
Be sure to talk more about open communication with your children at parent night... especially when you decide to ambush them with a big yellow bus!
I have a telephone in my classroom that is on silent during the day, but that I can use to make outgoing calls or receive calls from elsewhere in the school. The students are only allowed to use these phones in the case of an emergency, i.e. they don't know how they are supposed to get home.
Yesterday, I was working one on one with a student on a writing assignment. This boy looks and acts what I imagine Dennis the Menace would in real life. In addition, he hates to write and frequently dons a face of constipation whenever he is asked to produce an essay or story. As we were working, the front office called to request that the student I was working with come up to get a bus pass. He looked clearly confused as this was something he had never done before. As it turns out, his mother called to notify our office that he was to begin taking the bus from here on out. She had not yet discussed this with her son.
Upon his return, I had already begun working with other students, and he waited patiently (which was a surprise) at my desk for his turn to speak with me. When I finished with the other kids, he told me he needed to use the phone and did so with urgency. I reminded him that the phone was only to be used in an emergency then proceeded to ask him the purpose for this imperative phone call to his mom.
He simply replied, "I need to call my mom to complain. I don't wanna take the bus!"
Lesson to be learned?
Be sure to talk more about open communication with your children at parent night... especially when you decide to ambush them with a big yellow bus!
Sunday, March 11, 2012
I don't teach sex ed!
When the afternoon rolls around in my class and our math lesson is complete, my students and I are all in need of a break. They will grab a snack, visit with each other, or do other fun activities I have setup in my classroom. I usually will check emails, organize materials for the rest of the day, or just visit with my students. This is a time I can just hang out with them. While we were on our break one day, I decided to check some emails. One of my more interesting little girls approached me at my desk with an obvious need to share something. As I looked up to ask her what she needed, she said the following statement to me...
"Ms. E, I know how a boy can be inside of a girl."
As I was stuttering for words, I instantly started flipping through the appropriate responses to this statement in my mind. Unfortunately, I didn't have a file on this from any previous experience. As I struggled continuously on how to respond, she repeated the statement with a very large grin on her sweet little round face. As I was about to counter her terrifying proclamation, just hoping the right words would somehow find their way out of my mouth, she concluded with...
"When a woman is pregnant with a baby boy, she has a boy inside of her."
Lesson to be learned?
Channel the inner boy scout and always be prepared... for ANYTHING!
"Ms. E, I know how a boy can be inside of a girl."
As I was stuttering for words, I instantly started flipping through the appropriate responses to this statement in my mind. Unfortunately, I didn't have a file on this from any previous experience. As I struggled continuously on how to respond, she repeated the statement with a very large grin on her sweet little round face. As I was about to counter her terrifying proclamation, just hoping the right words would somehow find their way out of my mouth, she concluded with...
"When a woman is pregnant with a baby boy, she has a boy inside of her."
Lesson to be learned?
Channel the inner boy scout and always be prepared... for ANYTHING!
PDA Squared
Every year at my school, the P.E. teacher and music teacher collaborate to teach a unit on square dancing since it incorporates both music and dance. Today was the second day that they were reveling in this fabulous form of folk art. Of course as everyone knows, square dancing is to be done with "pardners.". Anytime the co-mingling of the elementary mentality of boys and girls comes together, you can only guess what will happen. However, I was in no way expecting to hear the question I received today.
After class, I stopped at the restrooms to give my kids a much needed respite after the overload of do-si-do-ing that they surely received. One of my boys approached me and said he had a question for me.
"Well, you know that we are doing square dancing right? Well, we have to hold hands with the girls while we dance. And I mean, we have to "hold" their hand for a long time, like 3 seconds or something. Can "they" get us on PDA for that or what?"
Lesson to be learned?
Make the kiddos use hand sanitizer before and after P.E. class!
After class, I stopped at the restrooms to give my kids a much needed respite after the overload of do-si-do-ing that they surely received. One of my boys approached me and said he had a question for me.
"Well, you know that we are doing square dancing right? Well, we have to hold hands with the girls while we dance. And I mean, we have to "hold" their hand for a long time, like 3 seconds or something. Can "they" get us on PDA for that or what?"
Lesson to be learned?
Make the kiddos use hand sanitizer before and after P.E. class!
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